I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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