Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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