I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think my vagina is haunted
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
