Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
