he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
