I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
