I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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