nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
