Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
