I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
