oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
