i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
