if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
