Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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