Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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