Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
