Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
