You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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