Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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