I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I deserve this hangover.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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