Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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