I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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