I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
