I want to make a zoo with you.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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