Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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