my phone needs a breathalizer
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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