i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
