I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
