if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
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I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I did not marry a roomba.
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