she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm too high and old for this...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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