I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
