Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
