He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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