Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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