i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
