apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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