someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
