He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
