I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
