I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
