last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
