You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
