On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im six kinds of drunk right now
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
