I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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