someone threw a dead crab at me
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
