I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
