I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
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Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.