The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
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The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
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Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!