somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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