I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
