Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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