so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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