The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
