just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
