there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
