Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum