Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
why is half of my head shaved?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
