There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
