dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I FOUND THE LEGS
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
