Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
