My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
