I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
