My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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